Awww… BEARS. You can tell how dangerous he isn’t because he’s smiling!
But first, let’s talk Blocks for a moment, shall we?
We all know that the problem with Blocks is that they’re only good at being where they are, and really bad about being someplace they’re NOT. Not standing on things is a leading cause of falling, so wouldn’t it be better if those Blocks wasting time over there were instead being stood on over here? With the Shuffle Block, that Block over there sometimes IS over here, right where you want it to be! Sometimes. Other times it will be someplace you really don’t want it to be, but you probably shouldn’t worry so much about things.
And speaking of not worrying about things, tonight’s production stars our beloved Prisoner 10322, otherwise known as “The Wild Bear We Found in the Woods that One Time” and “Mr. Muddypaws”! Before attending, please enjoy this random form we randomly provide to random audiences:
I __________ understand that Prisoner 10322 is probably more cuddly than he is dangerous, and is likely just made out of fluff, old rags, razor sharp teeth, and soft felt.
I __________ believe that any and all bear hugs are done out of love, and not the desire to crush the life out of any person or persons.
I __________ am not delicious and do not smell like honey and/or fresh prey.
I __________ am also immune to bears and bear related activities including, but not limited to, tearing, mauling, rending and savaging.
I __________ double pinkie swear to keep all applause to a minimum, as loud noices may startle Prisoner 10322 into an unending frenzy from which none may escape.
Signed, (victim’s name here).
The humble mummy is one of nature’s most majestic creatures. Gifted with eternal “unlife” and skilled at placing curses upon the living, the mummy’s only true weakness lies in his bandage like plumage- soft and absorbant, it is easily soiled. Thankfully, the mummy shares a symbiotic relationship with the pathetic mortals in his ecosystem, who each play a part in keeping their ghastly overlord up out of the muck. In return, the grateful mummy also plays an important role in the survival of his fellow creatures, namely by sparing them his terrible, undead wrath.
Sadly, more and more mummies now find themselves without the thousands of laborers they need every day to support their palace-like habitat. While some find a place in theatrical mummy preserves like BattleBlock Theater, many more are forced to take part in B-movie productions, just one step ahead of tissue companies offering top dollar for their luxurious, 4-ply mummy pelts.
Please, support BattleBlock Theater in its work to save mummies like Prisoner 10334, or these hideous, unnatural beings may soon be gone.
We’ve gotten some anonymous questions about why BattleBlock Theater gives so many awesome roles to mummies, and so many sucky ones to skeletons like Prisoner 10401. Or, why are we the best, and only, sponser in the “save a mummy” foundation, but still use skeleton prisoners to fill in for the xylophones in our xylophone band when all of our xylophones are stolen by xylophone gnomes.
Well, anonymous-guy-that’s-totally-not-a-living-skeleton, these are fair questions that deserve a fair answer on why we treat skeletons like you so unfairly.
When people think of mummies, they mostly just think of how scary they are, which is pretty unfair really. Not only are mummies super rich (brain extraction ain’t cheap, yo), but they’re also super prepared, and thats prepared for eternity, not just prepared like you prepare a meatloaf. Skeletons on the other hand are basically just poor, lazy mummies who couldn’t afford any clothes, and a naked hobo-mummy is at least twice as bad as the normal kind. And not only that, but there are at least a thousand skeletons buried all over the world. I mean, there’s like three in the theater’s breezeway alone. You’re probably standing on a skeleton RIGHT NOW.
9/10 theatricologists agree that audiences love it when a performer falls on their hiney. Coincidentally, 9/10 theatricologists also agree that nobody likes that 1 theatricologist with a sucky sense of humor- that’s right Gerald, we’re talking about you. For that reason, no one takes their hiney-to-floor ratio more seriously than the staff of BattleBlock Theater.
Now some theaters might have just gone straight for the banana peel, but we all know why nobody does that anymore: banana peels means bananas, and bananas mean banana spiders.
Not today, banana spiders.
So instead we did the only sensible thing anyone can do. You take a few 10,000 gallon ice trays, add 10 years of hard, manual labor, add a dash of salt to taste and –voila!– you have the BattleBlock Theater “Ice Block” ™. Store someplace cool.
As an added bonus, Prisoner 10330′s cell had to be converted into an Ice Block holding cell, so its like he gets to visit the penguin enclosure at your favorite zoo every day- and what kind of monster doesn’t like penguins?
What, you thought his hair stayed frozen in place like that naturally?
Some celestial event. No – no words. No words to describe it. Poetry! They should’ve sent a poet. So beautiful. So beautiful… I had no idea.